A few months ago, I found myself realizing that things are not as exciting as they used to be. What was the deal? Was it age, hormones, or simply the times we live in? It seems like I measured my life by milestones – college, marriage, children, and career. Milestones for me were the good stuff – the excitement adrenalin rush that projected me into intense and busy living. Then I hit my late 40’s and I felt like things came to a screeching halt. Milestones achieved, now what? Wait for retirement? As Patricia Arquette so eloquently stated in the absolute fantastic movie “Boyhood”, as she was sending her youngest off to college (I’m paraphrasing here)…”What’s the next milestone for me – my funeral? I guess I thought there was more than this.” For me at this age now, as so many of my milestones are completed, I get where she is coming from.
As I sat in the midst of this uncomfortable feeling, along came an email from an angel. Actually, it was from a friend, but it was manna from heaven. My friend, who does accuse me of having a brain on overload, thought of me when he read an article in The Atlantic by Jonathan Rauch. The article “The Real Roots of Midlife Crisis” addresses the real issues behind what I think is plaguing me, the “U Curve”. I absorbed every word and I felt a huge wave of relief sink all over me.
What is the U curve? The U curve basically states that life satisfaction decreases for the first couple of decades of adulthood, hitting the bottom in the late 40’s or early 50’s and then, increases with age. Older adulthood appears to be a period of pleasant surprise. Yes, those milestones in life might be declining, but now is the time for the good stuff – the contentment and the gratitude for living thus far.
I recognized that feeling of contenment, and it just came as a wave over me during this past holiday season. I am fortunate enough to have 5 weeks of vacation and I always get time off between Christmas and New Year’s. I generally am on autopilot and fill my time off with numerous chores – working out, cleaning, cooking, shopping, organizing my closet, cleaning the garage, throwing away clutter – I am usually a tornado of activity. This past holiday break, however, I was not interested in all that because I just felt like I did not have to prove myself to anyone anymore, not even me. I have earned it. I hung out with my husband, read a few books, watched a couple of movies, and enjoyed myself – whodathunk? It was as if I was looking at my life from above and realizing how lucky I am. As one of my daughter’s friends told me, “Mrs. Martin – I want to be your age. You are the one I envy. You raised three beautiful daughters, have a happy marriage, have a great job and a great home, and you are still here to enjoy all the spoils of what you have worked so hard for. I am still out there trying to find my way and proving myself.”
I seem to have entered a phase where it is not about the getting there, but being grateful and content for where I am now. I was hung up on milestones, as opposed to enjoying the fruits of my labor and the wisdom that comes with it. If you’re like me, and you find that your life has become more about pursuing peace and relaxation than giddy excitement, rest assured that you aren’t missing out on happiness. Your happiness has evolved, just as you have. Even though our version seems less fun by the standards of our younger selves, that doesn’t mean it’s less good.
To quote the late Donald Ritchie:
“Midlife crisis begins sometime in your 40s, when you look at your life and think, Is this all? And it ends about 10 years later, when you look at your life again and think, Actually, this is pretty good.”
In my 50s, his comment hit the nail on the head. Gratitude has returned. I guess for me, the realization that I am in this place is in effect, a milestone. And judging by the “U Curve”, it’s only going to get better!
Life Experiences Add Up 