As I was listening to Elon Musk being interviewed on the Ted Radio Hour the other day, the interviewer commented, “your parents must be so proud of you”. I have heard this comment a hundred times, but this particular comment at this particular moment, made me realize that my parents are no longer with me and I had nothing to do but stare it right in the face. Odd to have this occurrence of thought after almost 4 years with them being gone, but I honestly think I have this hole in me that I needed to recognize – and it came with that particular comment. I thought on this for several days before I could get after this emptiness I have been feeling. It has been an emptiness that I needed to acknowledge.
Why the emptiness? When your parents are gone, there are plenty of reasons. Gone is the protective covering that prevented us from looking at growing old and death. We have lost the title of “being someone’s child” forever. We have lost the witnesses to our first steps, first words, first life experiences, and details of growing into adults. Gone is that crucial connective tissue among all your siblings, the lifeblood of any family unit. Losing a parent means a loss of childhood, of innocence, and a part of oneself. No other bond exists like the one with a parent. That unique attention, given just to you, is gone. The need among all of us to “tell our parents”, to check in with them, call, inform them of any big decisions we are making, and celebrate the victories with, both big and small, is still there, but we have nowhere to go with it.
These losses are significant feelings and emotions to recognize and acknowledge. They bring along a reality that is a bit different from when your parents were alive. Your relationships with siblings changes a bit, and it is true that you have to make a concerted effort to get together and to stay in each others lives. It is not for lack of love for one another or lack of desire to see each other – it is lack of focus. With the major artery being taken out of the family, the focal point of the family is now gone. The missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle cannot be found, nor replaced. You have to change your focus to a new way of thinking so things can become clear again, even if it is in a different way.
There are many ways to do this. With regards to siblings, we only have each other when it comes to witnessing and clinging to the family bond that we had before we became husbands, wives, mothers, fathers, grandmothers and grandfathers. Our relationships with one another have never been more important – cling to them. Also, as children of our parents, we need to make room in our lives for all of the traditions that we grew up with, not only with our immediate family, but with one another. It is very important to be fearless – stick to who we are so that our children will have that influence to carry on with them. State how you feel, share what you think – these are the things that will resonate with our children when we are gone.
This hole cannot be filled actively, but can be filled with the legacy that our parents have left with us. Once the pain fades from the loss, this leaves room for remembering our parents with laughter – the family memories, vacation stories, holiday stories, and most importantly – acknowledging them whenever possible. “My mom would love this”, or “my father would have a fit if he saw me do this” are some of the things I say frequently to myself. I find this makes a great reference point for me and brings back my very own life standing on its own. I still am someone’s child and it is that legacy that I choose to carry on.
Life Experiences Add Up 
My father’s passing was expected. My mother’s was not. The loss of my father was my first loss and it was difficult. The loss of my mother was a shock. When I got a call from my brother that she was in the hospital and her passing was a possible outcome, I fell to my knees and in tears cried out, “Momma please don’t leave me !” But, she left anyway. She left me behind. I am 63 years old. She was almost 87. I had never spent a day alone in this world until the moment she left me. The two people who loved me more than any other human possibly could were gone. I feel somewhat lost in space without them. I can still hear them in my mind. I can still see them in my mind. I often wonder, when perplexed about a situation, what would mom have done in this situation …. what would dad have said to me. Those of us who have had good parents, grandparents and siblings feel the loss of love.
On the contrary, my husband did not have parents like mine. He does not miss them. His family life was difficult.