Uncertainty


Uncertainty is a scary word. As defined, uncertainty is “the state of being uncertain.” I guess the best way to understand uncertainty is to define certainty – “known for sure; established beyond doubt.” This sounds much better. Who doesn’t want to know for sure that every decision you make will be the right one? Who doesn’t yearn for a life that guarantees we are always doing the right thing? An existence such as this is robotic, as if machines are managing us, coding the back end of all we do or say. Fortunately, this is not how life works. Spending your time wishing for a looking glass to certainty is futile and a waste of time. Yes, everyone wants assurance, but since there are no guarantees, certainty in life is an end product of doing the work to get there.

Uncertainty is a part of life, much like loss, change, and death. Uncertainty is the polar opposite of what we crave: security, the feeling that we are doing the right thing at the right time, assurance that we are leading our lives exactly as we should be. This sense of certainty is attainable and arrives when we cast fear to the wind and forge ahead. Moving forward into unknown territory is the dance that must happen to achieve a sense of satisfaction, contentment, and, ultimately, security. This is a fear-based dance, beginning with small steps and ending with a flowing waltz that allows us to say all is right in our little world. The only way to get there is to jump in with both feet.

Baby Steps

There is no way to achieve this state of contentment except acting with fear. Working with uncertainty is necessary to get there. Start small, and see how it feels for you. For me, it started with a tattoo. I wanted one for years but was held back by what I consider now to be nonsensical apprehensions, such as “when I get older, who wants to see saggy old skin with a tattoo?” I feared I would be judged and became paralyzed with uncertainty. This situation of desperately wanting something while being held back by insecurity became untenable. I moved forward, and I went for it – I finally got that tattoo. I am thrilled with how it turned out and proud of myself for acting on what I felt was right for me. I felt so good about that decision that I went ahead and got a nose ring – also something I have always wanted but was apprehensive about. These small decisions opened up the floodgates for me regarding achieving certainty.

Laying the Groundwork

After a few baby steps, move on to some more significant ticket items. Think of all the areas of your life where things are uncertain, and list that out. I broke down my list into personal, professional, and spiritual categories. In reading through the list, I began to see small opportunities within each one to gain certainty. Looking at this list of uncertain situations and fears can help you to see where all the holes are in the life you are living. Filling in these holes as best you can definitely make life worth living.

Personal

Personal relationships are the most important – family, friends, loved ones. There can be plenty of uncertainty with these relationships, and most of it stems from us. When I feel frustrated, angry, or lonely, I act out and create this expectation that those I love have to solve my issue. Experiencing feelings that I want to just go away leads me to not trust myself, to feel uncertain about why these emotions are creeping into my day and how to handle them. I take these uncomfortable issues out on loved ones and dredge up old wounds thinking this will calm my uncertain feelings. Trust me; this doesn’t work. Acting out gives fear more power. I move with fear to handle these issues on my own – taking a breath, calming down, and being alone to let them move through me and pass. These are my issues, no one else’s. There are straightforward solutions, really – take a walk, bake some cookies, do something nice for someone you love – this is what creates value and the confidence that you can manage your emotions alone – they are not you. How does this create certainty? You feel stronger and become confident that you can control how you think, leading to incredible personal growth.

Professional

A professional relationship can be more than those relationships shared with co-workers and bosses. A professional association can be one you have with a waitress, barista, bartender, check-out clerk, or hairdresser. As defined, a professional relationship involves people working together to achieve a common goal for the benefit of their transactions – all types of transactions. You can’t always be sure that your waitress will be attentive and timely, but you can be sure of your reaction if you are not getting the service you need. Walking away from a lovely dinner angry and being rude to a server who is doing a poor job only cheapens your dignity – not theirs. This also pertains to working relationships – the only response you can control is yours – so act with certainty always, and you will rise above the situation. Some work environments can be challenging and take years from your life if you don’t control what can. You cannot prevent others’ actions, but you can act with certainty that you handle the situation the best you can.

Spiritual

Spiritual living does not have to mean that you are an avid churchgoer or even a believer in God. In general, being spiritual includes a sense of connection to something bigger than ourselves, and it typically involves a search for meaning in life. There are probably many of us who don’t feel spiritual, but I can guarantee that we all crave a purpose and meaning for what we do. This area is difficult to find certainty, as spiritual connectedness lies in the abstract. Meditation works for me. Through meditation, I connect with my inner self, and in honoring who I am, my voice comes through. If you can, find ten minutes a day to sit quietly, clearing your mind totally. Pay attention to your breath, notice noises around you, just be. This creates a calmness within you and the certainty you can be more centered throughout the day, notice more, and feel peace.

State of Mind

Certainty really is a state of mind. Within this mindset comes peace and confidence. Living with certainty about how you live your life yields a great reward personally, professionally, and spiritually. Getting to this place takes work, but by starting with a list and breaking it down, you will be content and fulfilled with the rewards that come back to you. You will have the certainty that everything makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. There are always things that are impossible to be sure about, but framing your life with the most assurances you can, makes for some easy living.

Life Lies in the Mundane

I am now a champion of the day to day, although it took me awhile to get here. The day to day, the ordinary stream of life, reminds me of the tortoise and the hare fable – wagering who will win the race. The hare is very confident of winning, so it stops during the race and falls asleep. The tortoise continues to move very slowly but without stopping and finally emerges victorious. The moral lesson of the story is that you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by acting quickly and carelessly. Most of us are the tortoise without even realizing it. Slow and steady routines and habits can end up carving out what is a successful “winning” life and one that is beautiful to behold. You feel the rhythms of life more when slowing down, which leaves room for appreciation. Life is mundane when you get right down to it, and that mundaneness creates, over time, a deep level of satisfaction with daily life.

As I reflect on my own years, I have often chastised myself for not being more aggressive in living. I live my life on a day to day basis, or what is often referred to as the “daily grind”. I completed the typical milestones – marriage, children, career, and now I am at the point where retirement is staring me in the face. As I toil away with the daily grind of living, I find myself thinking – did I miss an extraordinary life, or am I leading one?

You know the adage of putting wants “out in the universe,” and these desires will manifest and unfold to you? That has been me for over a decade now. I had this nagging thought that I could or should be doing more. Life in the mundane is where I received my answer. The universe has addressed my request of “give me more to do” with the response of “you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing.” What keeps coming back to me is “continue and forge ahead.” I am trusting this process, accepting it, and finding beauty in it.

Reflect on a time in your life when you had drama of any sort – an illness, loss of a loved one, a personal relationship falling apart, or trouble at home. For me, it was the time I spent recovering after being struck by a car in my early 20’s. After a few months spent in traction and recovering at home, I discovered that the simplest things were not within my reach – walking, driving, shopping, and even going to the bathroom. I could do nothing independently. I craved the routine of living, the mundane. I yearned for the day when I could get dressed on my own, drive myself to work, and be able to conduct the simplest tasks without the assistance of others.

There is an absolute beauty in the ordinary. For me, some soul fillers are reading a few chapters of a book, taking a brisk walk around the neighborhood, grinding coffee beans and pressing start on my drip coffee maker, a freshly made bed, cooking a nice meal. Cycling with my biking family, enjoying a beer at the local brewery, making homemade pizza and Netflix binging, running errands with my husband which usually involves Ace Hardware, watching the Roomba spin around the house, burning incense, taking the late night run to Wendy’s after a most excellent game of Trivia, using the electric leaf blower and the sense of accomplishment I feel after all the leaves are off the driveway – this is the good stuff! So to all of us “ordinary” people, revel in your simple patterns.

In the mundane is where the fabulousness of life lies. Ordinary and every day rhythms are embedded in your soul more than you realize and can leave you with nothing but appreciation. My yearning to have an extraordinary life and one in the fast lane has not materialized, and for that, I am grateful. An intense, fast paced life might allow us to navigate quickly and efficiently, but the trade-off is a decreased appreciation of the sublime. The faster we go, the harder it is to perceive the magnificence of our astonishing, improbable, beautiful, and most importantly, ordinary existence. Take a look around you and feel blessed, inhaling and taking in all the little things that truly have the most meaning in life.

Choose Different Stars

I used to pride myself on having a “5-star day”. I felt the most complete when I accomplished exercise, cleaning, cooking, gardening, and reading. These five criteria I set for myself, when achieved, gave me a deep sense of accomplishment. I also felt a sense of abject failure if I did not “earn” them. Five-star days were not a daily occurrence but a standard I set for myself every opportunity I could seize.

Fast forward 20 years later. Five-star days are a thing of the past. It took me a long time of denial and disbelief to get here, but I finally am. This journey to my acceptance was a comment my daughter made to me as I was in the throws of beating myself up for not cramming five rather large activities into one day or even a weekend. I lamented how tired I was after riding my bike to yoga, taking a yoga class, riding home (exercise), working in the yard for an hour (gardening), and cooking dinner. With three of my five stars reached, I was exhausted. Frustration crept in as I stated how disappointed I was that I couldn’t complete my five stars without being a mess. My daughter gently grabbed my hand and said, “Why don’t you choose different stars to define yourself?”

It was then that everything became crystal clear. Why is it that we are so hard on ourselves as we get older? I was comparing my 50’ish-year-old self to when I was in my thirties – how incredibly unfair I was to me. Getting old is not for the faint of heart. Aches and pains start to swell up, years of wear and tear on your body, no matter how fit you are, begin to creep in, while energy levels decline. I have found the aging process to be so subtle that my awareness of it happening did not catch up. I was still trying to live my life as a thirty-year-old, and I realized I needed to set new boundaries. I threw out the fact that I do not have those five-star days anymore, and I incorporated making new stars. Even though I’m not cooking, cleaning, gardening, and more in one day, I find I am doing even more valuable things which contribute to my well-being so much more than my previous list. My new “stars” leave me far less frantic and way more centered.

Morning Reflection

How can this be a star? In thinking about this, I realized that taking morning time for myself is a far better thing I currently do than jumping out of bed and frantically begin on all the tasks I set for myself as I used to do. Morning reflections are an accomplishment and one that takes discipline. A few months ago, I downloaded an app called “Breethe”. I paid for this one, but it’s worth it. The app content focuses on sleep, meditation, and mindfulness. Anxiety, stress, and other mental roadblocks appear more as we age, and most of that stems from not being present. A 10 – 20 minute mind exercise of breath, mantras, and meditation yields benefits that duplicate and over again. You will find your day starts on a solid footing. A consistent morning meditation practice calms the mind and allows us to gain greater insight into life’s essential lessons. The more thorough the process of self-reflection, the better we recognize our thoughts, feelings, values, and beliefs for what they are. Morning reflection is by far the most crucial star for me.

Be Kind

How hard can this be to earn a star? Just be nice? Believe it or not, this can be challenging for many people, especially those lost in their heads. Make it a point to be kind to anyone throughout the day. Don’t take your baggage out on other people, even if you wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Try putting yourself in someone’s shoes. Compliment someone on their style of dress, acknowledge a co-worker for an achievement, or write a note to someone who needs a word of encouragement – this is important stuff. Being kind helps boost the immune system, reduce blood pressure and reduce stress and anxiety – what a bonus! All this for just being nice? You bet. Feelings of anger can turn into self-destructive behaviors because they lead to what I like to call permissive thoughts. Permissive thinking allows a person to engage in unproductive behaviors, damaging, and result in negative consequences.

Eat Right

Healthful eating has many health benefits, such as reducing the risk of heart disease, stroke, obesity, and type 2 diabetes. It also can boost a person’s mood and provide them with more energy. Besides exercise, there is nothing more vital that you can do for your physical body than eating right. Having a good diet, for me at least, takes some work. It’s always easier for me to grab a handful of goldfish crackers than to have a piece of fruit for breakfast. I now make healthy smoothies each night before bed, or overnight oats, as a morning go-to. I add some chia seeds and a scoop of protein powder to my smoothie, and I feel great.

Exercise

Exercise is a no-brainer for me, but I realize that many people struggle with exercise simply because they don’t like to do it. Exercise does not mean you have to kill yourself trying. A simple walk around the neighborhood is good enough for your body – it keeps you moving and can improve your health and well-being in many ways. By simply walking, you are setting yourself up for a more solid future for your physical body.

Read

Reading is the star I kept for myself from my previous list. Reading to earn a star might have some of you scratching your heads, but for most of us who manage to watch TV every night, replace a bit of that time with a good book or a magazine article and see how much better you feel. Reading reduces stress, promotes comprehension and imagination, alleviates depression, helps you sleep, and may prevent Alzheimer’s. Reading is active; watching TV is passive.

I don’t always get to accomplish my stars, but I have gone easy on myself if my goals aren’t always met. I do most of the above list regularly, and I am pleasantly surprised that what I thought were not “star-worthy” really ended up being “stars above”. I think we all need to readjust our goals when it comes to setting unrealistic limits for ourselves. If you feel any sense of failure or frustration for getting older and losing some of the things you used to do with ease, replace them with things that honor you. Live your life to the fullest – even if the criteria to get there change a bit. Redefine the expectations you set for yourself and develop new ones to showcase the best of you.