The Child Within

We were all once children, and still have that child dwelling within us. But most adults are quite unaware of this. The fact is that the majority of so-called adults are not truly adults at all. We all get older, but, psychologically speaking, this is not adulthood. True adulthood hinges on acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for loving one’s own inner child. For most of us, this never happens. Instead, our inner child has been denied, neglected, disparaged, abandoned or rejected.

As we move from childhood into adulthood,  we stop acknowledging our inner child. For some reason adults seem to find it hard to put themselves first, to listen to that voice that says “this is what I need so honor me please!”  As adults, we can rail against almost anything, knowing that it doesn’t feel right, and we are left wondering why.  The why is your internal child stating “what about me – this is not good for me.”

Recognizing your true self, when you get right to it, boils down to loving yourself.   Sure, most of us take care of our physical body, we exercise, eat right, and get adequate sleep, but this is self-care, not self-love.  The loving I am talking about is the loving of the uniqueness of you.

This loving yourself business can be hard, but once you begin down this road, it gets easier and easier.  At first I looked at this practice as a selfish one.  We are taught to shy away from making everything about us.  What I have found though, that in most cases, putting yourself first mentally frees you up to be the best you can be, which allows you to love others to the best of your ability while coming from a healthy and strong position.

Have you sometimes just not wanted to go out when asked?  Are you in a dysfunctional relationship that is detrimental and damaging to you?  Are you unhappy at work, shutting down that voice that says – I want to be doing something different – this is not me. This lack of conscious relatedness to our own inner child is precisely where so many behavioral, emotional and relationship difficulties stem from.

The  practice of loving yourself can turn into a very good habit.  You need to get quiet and just sit with yourself a bit.  The steps can be little at first, but they will pave the way for you to get there.  How?  Have fun by yourself, forgive yourself, surprise yourself – most importantly – give yourself a break!  I set aside time on the weekends for a bath.  I add epsom salts, bath oil and bubbles, I light a candle and read.  This is my time just for me and it is rejuvenating.  Work on self trust, and most importantly, learn how to love by saying no to others.  When warranted, saying no helps you establish healthy boundaries, enables others to have clarity about what they can expect from you, and you recognize and honor your inner child in the process.

Try to view your inner voice as your go to phone a friend.  Ask yourself  – is this good for me?  Get quiet, still, and the answers will come.  The benefits are tenfold.  Spend time with you!

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Reflections on January

I love January.  When I eventually retire and feel the urge to get out of Illinois,  it will be during March and April, because technically Mother Nature should be heading into spring during those months but for us in Northern Illinois, spring is slow to arrive and we are weary of the cold.  On the other hand,  it is supposed to be cold in January. The holidays are over, and for me it becomes the month where I can stop planning and just make everything all about me. The company is gone and so are the endless parties and gift giving.  I now have the time to binge watch shows, get some serious reading done, get the house back in shape, and learn something new (along with experiencing a “new normal” that seems to happen all the time now).   I also have time to delve a little more into celebrity culture, preparing myself for movie award season and all that goes with it. January provides me with what seems like a boundless amount of time.

My media plan for the month has been comprehensive.  I finished Narcos Mexico, blew through all three seasons of The Marvelous Miss Maisel, watched Black Panther, Vice, BlacKkKlansman, Roma, The Green Book, and the two Fantastic Beasts movies.  I revisited Dexter, my favorite show about a serial killer, completed season five of Grace and Frankie, and got sucked into “YOU” – anxiously awaiting season 2.

I set my reading goal for the year on Goodreads in January, as this motivates me to get a good head start.  I love the Goodreads platform – it’s like Facebook for readers.  There is a news feed to see what everyone is reading, and you can invite friends to join.  The platform allows you to create digital bookshelves to enter the books you have read and want to read. Anytime I get a great book idea, I go to Goodreads and shelve it as “to read”.  No more written lists for me.  This month I read “There There” by Tommy Orange, “When Breathe Becomes Air” by Paul Kalanithi, “Drinking a Love Story” by Caroline Knapp and my absolute favorite so far – “Hotel New Hampshire” by John Irving (my favorite weird and quirky author).  I review the books I read on Goodreads as it gives me great pleasure to do so. Finding a book that I love makes me want to share the joy with everyone.

Getting the house back in shape used to be a priority for me, but I have since changed my tune.  Granted, I adore taking down all the Christmas decorations and feeling that openness that is created once all the tchotchke’s disappear, but I no longer pride myself on always having a spotless house.   Life is too short to spend time obsessing over clean floors and bathrooms.   I read the book “Tidying Up” last year by Marie Kondo, thinking I would love it, but instead it made me feel like a ginormous loser. Here I was spending my time learning about all the ways to “tidy up” and how to get rid of what doesn’t give me joy,  yet feeling utterly joyless while reading the book.  January provided the premier of “Tidying Up” on Netflix, and the last thing I want to do is watch messy people “clean up”.  For me, constant tidying up equals “joyless”.

This January our new normal has been cold, snow, ice, cold, ice and more snow.  I experienced my first standing temperature of minus 24 which coupled with the wind chill made it seem like 50 below – a cold that literally takes your breath away.  January was the home of the longest government shutdown in the history of the U.S. (35 days) but do not despair.   January brings to its name National Bath Safety Month, National Oatmeal Month, and National Soup Month, and this year an announcement by  Kate Hudson that she would raise her daughter to be “genderless”.  I finally downloaded “Babbel” and am brushing up on my German, if it ever warrants that I will have to converse in Deutsch.   And so it goes.

2019 brings the promise of a new year, a new time, and the ever so constant permanence of change.   I am looking forward to the next few months, to see what additional opportunities to take, challenges to face, and some good old newsworthy tidbits to happen so we can say “remember when”?

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A Full Life

I think on some level I have been comparing myself to famous, well-known people and feeling like I haven’t done nearly as much with my life as they have. I thought that just because someone spends their career in front of a camera, or behind the cover of bestselling books, that my little life just wasn’t quite that exemplary.

Thank heavens for my husband.  He commented one day that I lead a full life.  I questioned him immediately about that comment, and then digested it for a moment. He was right –  I do, in fact, have a full life as I suspect many of us do.  I just was not aware of it.   I am not a world-renowned leader, celebrity, or famous in any way, but little old me is doing pretty well with my little life.

By just hearing those words – full life – I woke up. What I do is important, what we all do is important. We make the world go round. While very few of us can achieve the highest heights of recognition, we can make all the difference in the world.

I needed to quantify my 57 years on this planet, so I decided to take a personal inventory of my life and see how the connections, interactions, accomplishments and relationships I have wove throughout my existence have trickled down to others and enriched my life in the process.   I took what I like to call the “George Bailey Challenge”.  George Bailey, from the movie “It’s a Wonderful Life” sacrifices his dreams of traveling around the world to stay home and run the family business after his father dies.  He continues working longer than planned so his brother can go to college.  By giving up on his dreams, George ends up suicidal, feeling as if he has done nothing with his life except watch everyone else live what he thought were fabulous lives with noteworthy accomplishments.  He wishes he had never been born.  At that moment an angel comes along and grants this wish and George gets to see what his corner of the world would look like if he had never existed.  This exercise helps George to realize the importance of his life, and the importance of his life on others as well. He was living a meaningful life but just did not recognize it.  George wakes up.  He was so busy being held hostage from the grief of losing his dreams that he did not see how valuable the gift of life is, and how large of an impact even one person can have on the life of so many others.

Most dreams do not come to fruition.  At some point, we all have to let go of the dream that probably won’t ever materialize, and look at our life as it is.  How to do this?  Take your own personal inventory. Focus your inventory on career, love, finances, spirituality, health, wellness, and family and see what you come up with.  The results are of great importance, and by just seeing on paper the things you have done and accomplished, you will amaze yourself about yourself! Reviewing this list is a first step in increasing self-confidence and taking pride in your life.   And remember – if you are less than dazzled with your list – it is never too late!

I feel that I am working towards honoring my life, which is a blessing that each of us can realize within ourselves.  Honor yourself by doing. Volunteer, write that letter, say that kind word and do a kind deed. Make your life so rich and full that you do not have time to be angry and sad about what “could have been”.  It’s what is happening now that matters.  With clarity and focus, a full life can be yours, and probably is without you even knowing it!

It is a good time to wake up and see what you have now.  Work with what you’ve got!

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