Hello world!

My very first post.  Wow.  I am not prepared like I wanted to be but what the hell – I am the type of person who jumps in and then says “now what”?

OK – so I am starting this blog for many reasons.  For starters, I keep having conversations with myself in my head about turning 50 and I find myself thinking – does anyone else feel this way?
It all started when I was 48 and watching “Weeds”, one of my favorite shows.  My husband was commenting on Mary Louise Parker’s outfits and saying how sexy she always looked and I thought – how many more years can she wear those clothes? Could I wear something like that?  Oh wait – not me because I was 48 and oh my gosh – I will never be able to because in two years I will be FIFTY!   All those sexy and fun outfits will be out of my life forever.  I will be one of those women that men talk about that have old necks, saggy boobs and where they occasionally comment  “She is not aging well”.

This was a moment of sheer terror for me – of the absolute realization that time is marching forward and I was going right along with it.  It was one of the most poignant moments of self-awareness that  I have ever had in my  life – it hit me like a ton of bricks.   I was becoming what my parents were to me – the keeper of the household  that children visit and leave, the point in life that I never really thought I would get to or want to reach.

SInce that moment, I try to stay positive about aging, but media and most things I encounter tell me otherwise.  I’m contemplating a career change and I encounter numerous comments such as  “at your age?” and ” do it quick before you get any older”.   These are comments and thoughts placed in front of me that I have never had to worry about before.  Is this true?  Is there really a campaign out there against early fifty somethings?  Everywhere I look are constant  media images of women who have their face carved up to maintain a youthfulness so they will appear more attractive as if that is the only value they have.  What is wrong with an aging face?  Do I have to just call it quits and go live in a cabin in the wilderness?

Yes, I’m ashamed to admit it but I’m embarrassed about my age sometimes.  When I’m in a fun bar with my daughters, I get the look that says – you can’t dance like that, you can’t act like that.  When I meet business associates in person, whom I have been dealing with exclusively on the phone and they turn out to be early thirty somethings, I think  – are they looking at me like – wow, she’s older than I thought?    When I think about applying for a job I wonder if at my first interview I will be considered “old”.

I feel compelled to do this blog for everyone entering the “fifty” decade who are searching for a new meaning in life and hopefully, selfishly, to administer therapy to myself in the process as a little added bonus.  I hope to get to a level of acceptance with my age and to also embrace it.

More to come…..